All posts by KeeKee

Losing to Win

There is something to be said about competitiveness and winning and losing…

I used to be such an asshole when it came to playing games. We played long, long games of Carioca when I was a kid. I always got my ass kicked by the older (read: grown ups) more experienced players and they rubbed my ‘stupidity’ (<<< their words not mine) mercilessly in my face. I hated it and always wanted so badly to win so they would know that ‘I was smart too’. That was my take on it as a child.

My youngest sons dad was pretty talented. And in many ways he knew it. He was a musician and a gamer. He played everything. No instrument intimidated him. And he was a seriously tight player, a total perfectionist. Me being a shadow artist, who once played guitar, busking as a teenager, with her own songs; I had smashed my guitar all over the dumpster shortly after my oldest son was born: ‘Moms can’t be musicians. Moms have to be responsible….’ I was pretty intimidated by his abilities.

Initially, I admired his gifts. Eventually, I grew jealous of them. And him. We tried to write and play music together. But both of our egos were just way too big. And those sessions often ended in me feeling like complete shit. Him too.

In the end, I was the one who listened for the slightest offbeat or off note when he would mix his music. I was excellent at that and it caused zero friction.

He loved gaming though, like I said – PC, PS, cards, board games, dice…. And of course, not really having a mind of my own back then, I got into gaming at first because of him. But I was an asshole. If I lost I was so mad, it was like everything was at stake if I lost against him. Sometimes he would say things like,’It’s ok to lose.’ Or ‘Losing can be fun too.’ Other times he was a jerk about it too though, ‘Hahahaha you suck, Kristie!’ Jeering like a madman.

Until one day, after a three day Lord of The Rings RISK marathon, he completely slaughtered me. And I flipped the entire board, pieces flying everywhere. He said he would never game with me again.

Definitely one of my worst moments as a human being. I felt so bad after what I had done, I went and hid in the bedroom bawling my wild head off.

I was so ashamed. So childish. He was of course, incredibly unimpressed with me. We stopped playing for a couple of years after that, until I was able to demonstrate and establish that I had changed.

Fast forward to now. One child later. And of course, Mason’s dad and I, we’ve been separated now for almost four years. I’ve grown a lot in the last 13-14 of those years. Seen a lot, learned a lot, went through a lot. Been around people for whom competition was their life. They lived and breathed it. And I saw its destructiveness and realized all too well what it was about.

I’m thankful that I had the lessons that I’ve had for I wouldn’t be me without them…

But, my youngest and I have been playing the game ‘War’ in the car with a deck of cards before his friends get to the park in the morning before school.

‘War’ is a two player game where you deal the cards face down, equally, and then both of you, put one card face up in front of each other, whomever has the higher card wins and takes the cards. If you have the same card, both of you throw down three cards face down and the last card face up. Whomever has the highest card wins there as well.

And I can see that already, within his 8 year old self, he has my competitive streak like I did. And it worries me for him…

I wanted to reflect back to him what he was dishing while we played. So I did. I started laughing at him when he lost a round, poking at him, ‘hahaha, I win’. And I could see that it was bothering him when I did that.

So after he won a round I asked him curiously,’Why do I have to lose in order for you to feel good? Why does it feel good for you when I lose?’

And he said,’I don’t know.’

I looked at him and said quietly,’Is it because you feel bad about yourself? You feel like you have nothing to feel good about?’

He sat back abruptly, not looking at me,’Yes.’

I reached over, pulling him to me and hugged him hard, rubbing his back….

I sat back and started shuffling the cards….

‘Look. Mama’s gonna show you something…. (shuffling shuffling shuffling). Now watch me.’

And I dealt the cards, face up this time not face down into two separate piles… One for me. One for him. One for me. One for him. We looked on as I dealt them. My heart began sinking a little…. I got all but one of the aces, a really good chunk of the high cards and he got the rest. Every time I got a high card and he got a low card, ‘I’m gonna lose,’ he’d say… ‘I’m gonna lose.’

I just kept saying,’You don’t know that.’

When I was done we flipped our piles over and started playing… We focused on enjoying each other and having fun.

By the time we were done, I had only won four of those rounds, with 13 of those cards left in my hand. He had all the rest. But he didn’t realize it.

I told him to stack his cards straight on edge.

Then I showed him my winnings. And asked him to show me his…

He looked at his and mine side by side. And then locked eyes with me.

I broke into a huge grinn at him….

And he beamed back at me…
‘See? I don’t have to win in order to feel good. Me and you both thought I was gonna win, didn’t we?’

He nodded.

‘But that’s the thing about cards, Mace… This game isn’t about your brains and how smart you are. It’s about chance. It’s about how the cards show up in the game. Not everything is about how you play it. We don’t have to beat each other down to have fun. We can just play and enjoy each other’s company.’

He said he was sorry. I told him it was ok. And he went on his way with a hug and a long kiss on his forehead…

There’s always opportunities everywhere to learn from one another.

Today, playing cards was one of them.

What Is Your Legacy?

What matters to people? What do people think about when they wake up and when they go to sleep? Do they think about their loneliness? Their aloneness? Do they feel gratitude for what they have? Are they thinking about how much they enjoy their lives? Or do they hate their lives? What do they dream of? What do they wonder about?
I lay awake wondering what the fuck is going on… Putting pieces together. Trying to figure it out. Trying to pick myself up. I wonder about the future for my children. Their education and how fucked it is. The understaffed classrooms. The lack of resources and tools needed. My son in grade 10 being humiliated in class because he doesn’t understand numerical concepts from grade 6. How will they get along in this world? How wil they even begin to survive? I don’t think about debt anymore. It’s all a joke and it continues to play less and less of a role in my thought processes… But that only happened because I learned about money and fiat currency and the corruption and illusion that the banking system is. I wonder about the environment. Is she strong enough to withstand all the shit we are dishing? Is it arrogant to think she can’t? Is that why Geoengineering is happening? Because those fucks are afraid? What are they doing to the water? The land? The air? The wildlife? The plants? Why are so many people sick here in Alberta? You simply look at the stats on respiratory illnesses and cancers and neurological diseases and you have to wonder wtf. You look at the number of speech language pathology issues, cognitive disorders in our children and you have to wonder… You look at the plant life, the trees, their leaves, little bushes and shrubs and there are so many stressed plants… They lost their leaves in June last year, or none of their seeds or seed pods fell, and the ones that didn’t lose their leaves have awful markings on them, more vulnerable and weak, their susceptibility to disease and insect damage seems higher than any other time I can remember. I can’t help but wonder what the hell is going on… We need them to live damnit!And then I wonder why it is that so few of us seem to notice this… Are we the ones that are more in touch with nature? When the fuck is someone really going to pick this up and start running with it, right out there in the main stream medias view, the public eye…?I wonder about people on the whole… Is it truly apathy? Or are they so afraid? What keeps them immobilized from thinking about these things and speaking out? Is it truly, ‘It doesn’t affect me? I’m ok. Nothing’s happening’? They can’t think about these things because the problems are so huge? They don’t see out interconnectedness? Or they are under the gun so badly that they can’t think about their homeless brother or sister because they too haven’t eaten, can’t pay their bills, are trying to stay afloat?

I don’t know what to conclude really. All I know is that fuckery is afoot, something is seriously wrong in the land of human beings and the natural realms and the future of the worlds children is up in the air.

And that is no good. That is not acceptable. We can do better than this. I don’t imagine I well ever sleep too well again. Not until I know that this world is secure for the young ones, the yet to be born. Our responsibility to them is great. Saving for college is not enough. Our ancestral duty to those who will rise up after us go far beyond that…

So what will you leave behind? What is your legacy?

What matters to you?

Random Things that Have Me Thinking

Why Are These Pogo Sticks $36?

Quantum Relativity

Depression is an Allergy? Wha?

The Canadian Debt Clock – As a side note I often wonder what the World Debt is. I found this.

Release Limiting Beliefs and Heal Ancestors with Send Back Technique

How to Make a Living Without a Job

7 Tips for Finding Your Tribe

Save The Men

Are You a Human Angel?

To Love a Girl Who Wanders

12 Historical Women Who Gave No F*cks

10 Things You Might Not Know About Poverty In Canada

How Playing Rock Band for 15 Minutes with a Stranger Created Empathy

Something Sweet on Love

Joe

“…Have you ever noticed whenever you speak of a not so good future people always say “not in my life time or my kids life time or their kids lifetimes or their kids lifetimes”? What they are saying is that they know what you say is true but they really don’t give a shit about distant future generations. They care about themselves because they are here. They care about their kids because they put them here. They care about their grand kids because they will be around to see them. And they care about their great grand kids because they may be here to see them born. After that they really don’t care because they will be long gone and they have no real other connections beyond their great grand children. Perhaps this is why people fail to get involved in the future of the world. Our time here is very short. Perhaps if we lived for 500 years or more people would care more and get involved. Imagine having 450 years to do in a job you hate! I cringe just thinking about it. People would also start to think “Hey this could happen in my life time!”…”

~ Joe ~

 

Tina

I have known life wasn’t happening the way it was supposed to most of my life, even though I was successful. Good people were not treating others right, they didn’t trust, accept help unconditionally and as I got old, it got worse, way way worse. One day while looking for a spark of fresh air, someone people could trust and support to make a difference, I met Clint Curtis. He told me about his program that changed election results and how his best friend lost his life trying to help him prove his program was being used, and how he went to Congress to narc on himself. I was already awake to a lot, but this, this pissed me off. You know, the kind of anger that never dies. Now, I will never stop. I knew at that moment why people were the way they were. The game was rigged, and people knew it, they just did know why they knew it, they just did. I am here to give them all the whys.

 

Amberle

I think I always knew the world was broken. I didn’t understand the ins and the outs of it, but still knew the government was shit and the very act of submitting to something that hung over you telling you what to do, was wrong.

I was a troubled, rebellious kid since I was walking pretty much. I think the weight of the world hit my shoulders pretty early on. I have been writing about corruption in poems since I started even doing that, but still didn’t understand the workings of it all. As I became an adult I tried to just pay their game… live the dream laid before me. I got married, bought a home, worked and put my dreams on the shelf to die. And then I had my daughter…

Once she started eating ‘real’ food and I realized I was gaining weight faster than I could keep up with, I became interested in health somewhat. One day my husband and I sat down and watch a documentary, Food Inc. and bam! Everything started to click with the world view I already had. I started digging! I cried a lot. I was scared a lot. I grew A LOT! And WE CHANGED A LOT of our family’s eating, living and thinking habits.

I lost friends, although I didn’t have many to begin with. I killed already strained relationships. I realized how the system was geared to keep us away from ourselves and giving us things to distract; media, illness, hatred. I realized that my biggest outlet to affect change is through meeting up with my true self and doing what it is in my heart and that is where I am now: Following dreams, empowered most days, and doing whatever things I personally can do to add to this world, to make up for my subtractions and help carry the load of those who still can’t see. I am so much happier for it and mentally healthier than ever before… I still have bad days, but I suppose we all do and will forever.

I FULLHEARTEDLY believe we will make a better world for the generations of tomorrow. It is scary when you first see what the world really is, but hunkering down into your self- discovery process can give you new life in a world of death and destruction. It can give you a sense of mission, a sense of purpose.

I send love and encouragement to though walking the path to truth and those who will see one day.